Weird 2009

This has been a strange year. For 2009, my New Year’s resolution was to no longer allow myself to feel awkward. Yes, I am aware that that itself is an awkward thing to resolve to do, but nonetheless, I deemed it necessary. For a good part of 2008 I felt awkward almost everywhere I went. And I was done. I didn’t stop being awkward this year, obviously, but I changed the way I allowed it to affect me. Awkwardness didn’t keep me from saying or doing things that I wanted to say or do. For 2010, my resolution is going to be a little different. This past year I discovered how much I like learning random facts. So my tentative New Year’s resolution for 2010 is to learn random facts about each state. So a state a week, starting with the second week in January and ending with the second to last week in December. We’ll see how it goes, but I think I can do it.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled on Tuesday. I thought that it would be way worse than it was. The IV didn’t make me nauseous, dizzy, or sleepy like it does for most people, and neither did taking Vicodin. My cheeks are super swollen and puffy right now, which sucks, but since the Ibuprofen kicked in (finally, after 3 hours), the pain is much more tolerable. I just hope my face changes back, although Christine said that she’d still be my friend even if it doesn’t, so that’s a comforting thought.

Also, I passed all of my classes. Haha. Yes, passed. Whatever; I’ll take what I can get. Dang major. You know how people say to make sure you pick a major that you really do enjoy? I never listened to those people. I figured that I could make myself enjoy whichever major I chose, which I can. But a different major would definitely have been better. I haven’t decided yet if I regret majoring in Business Economics. I don’t regret going to CSM after high school, or transferring to UCSB. I guess I don’t regret my major. I’ve learned so much from being in this major. I haven’t exactly learned what I should’ve learned, i.e. all the concepts of economics, but I’ve learned life stuff. And I’m fine with that.

Oh cheeks. They’re weighing me down–actually making my face feel heavy. I can’t look up or down, so my head is just in this steady straight gaze. I’m such a weirdo. That’s ok though. I’m just glad that it’s over with and that I didn’t wake up mid-surgery or something. Yes, I can be paranoid. Ugh. Dang movies.

Speaking of movies, The Princess and the Frog was simply wonderful. I love Disney.

There are exactly two weeks left in 2009. Years go by so quickly. Although time is relative. For the rest of 2009, I’ll be recovering from my chipmunk transformation, hanging out with friends, and reading. And then winter quarter begins. Oh, school.

Thinking Before I Speak…

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. -Ephesians 4:29”

“Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. -Psalm 141:3”

These are definitely verses that I need to be reminded of constantly. I’ve always had a problem with my mouth, ever since I was in elementary school. I definitely need to watch what I say to certain people, how I say it, and I need to think about how what I’m going to say is going to affect people before I even let it out of my foolish mouth. So that’s my prayer for right now. And with that, one more verse to meditate in.

“A fool’s talk brings a rod to his back, but the lips of the wise protect them. -Proverbs14:3”

Crazy

It’s so weird to think that I’ve only been in school for a month and a few days. Midterms are over though, with the exception of my paper that’s due in two weeks. Eck. But then, Disneyland! I love Disneyland. My paper is due the day before we’re going, so it’s good that I’ll be able to enjoy myself without having to worry about anything, other than finals. And the GRE. Ugh. That brings me to the next thing consuming my life right now: grad school. Or just my future in general. I wish I could just know what I’m supposed to do. Ugh.

This weekend is Halloween, which means it’s going to be crazy in IV. I think I’m going to treat it like any other weekend. I don’t really feel like doing anything, especially since, as much as I hate to admit it, I have a little cold. So I figure I should just take it easy and relax. I could write my paper! Haha. The other day I was buying cough drops at the Arbor and the guy ringing me up stopped, and when I looked up at him he said, “Cheer up. It’s just a little cold.” It was so sweet and kinda made my day. It’s true. That’s how I should look at a lot of things in life. “It’s just a little test.” “It’s just a little bruise.” “It’s just a little wisdom-teeth yanking.” Ugh. I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled over winter break. Merry Christmas to me. I’m excited for November to hurry up and get here. I love the start of new months. November’s going to fly by, though. My paper is due on the 12th, we’re going to Disneyland on the 13th, then Thanksgiving on the 26th, and then Summer and I are going to see Switchfoot (finally) in Ventura on the 28th. December 2nd is the day I’m taking the GRE in Camarillo. Yeah, not looking forward to that, but what can you do.

I just finished reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I had to force myself to read it slowly, because I tend to read books super quickly and then not really remember anything from them lol. So I’m glad that I paced myself with this one. One of the last things I read was that Christians are like manure. When spread out, we’re good for fertilizing and making things grow, but when we’re all together, we just smell really bad. Haha, awesome.

Cliff-diving

So I’ve been back in SB for a week now. It feels good to be back. It’s weird though. I keep thinking about how this is my last year of undergrad. I’d like to stay longer, at least another quarter, but then I don’t know. I don’t know what I’d do for the two quarters that I wasn’t in school. I wouldn’t want to go back home, but I wouldn’t be able to pay for a place myself, and I doubt my parents would if I wasn’t in school. I wish I could just worry about the moment. Just worry about this year. It seems as though I’m always thinking of the year ahead. My last year at community college, I was thinking about applying to transfer, and where I would be transferring to, and what that would be like, instead of just focusing on my last year there. I don’t want to do the same thing this year, but at the same time, I worry that if I don’t look ahead enough, I’ll get behind, and then the edge of the cliff will suddenly be right in front of me, and I won’t be ready to jump because I hadn’t been preparing myself along the way.

It’s funny that we use that metaphor; the edge of a cliff. As if to say that moving on to a new stage in life is like falling–going lower and lower. I guess it kind of makes sense. If you hit the bottom after having jumped from a cliff, you die. And as life goes on, we get older, until, eventually, we die.

Today is the first day of classes. I only have class Tuesdays and Thursdays, with two sections on Friday. I have the hugest break though; class 8-9:15a and then nothing again until 3:30p. So I’m eating lunch right now. I hate being able to hear myself chew. To me it sounds pretty loud, because it’s echoing in my head, but then I get all paranoid that everyone else is hearing it the same way I am. I wonder if “chewing with your mouth open” is a deal breaker. I think it would be for me. I mean, somebody explain this phenomenon to me. Do people who chew with their mouths open realize that they’re doing it? Or do they just not think that their chewing is gross and loud? Do they not realize that other people are chewing their food normally, while they smack along? Because if it’s something they really don’t get, then does that mean I could possibly be one of them and not even know it? If that were the case, I would want to be told!! Obviously not in front of a bunch of people, but I’d like it to somehow be brought to my attention. It would probably be hard for the person doing the telling though. So maybe an anonymous note is a good method. It’s the same thing with people who have bad BO.

Do they not realize it? Some people just straight up don’t wear deodorant. Like that girl who plays Naomi on 90210. Gaby read somewhere that she doesn’t wear it, and that her co-workers are always trying to offer her some, but she refuses. Now every time I watch 90210 (and yes, I watch 90210 lol) and she comes, I pay closer attention to whoever is in the scene with her. I know people say that they’re bad actors, but I have to give them some credit for not making disgusted faces when she’s hugging them or something.

So Long, South City

Today’s my last day home for the summer. I’m leaving for SLO in a little bit to spend the night at Noelle’s, then tomorrow morning I’ll be able to move into my apartment. It’s a weird feeling. This is my last summer before college. I have no idea where I’m going to be this time next year. Last year, I knew that I’d have one more year of college, so nothing suspenseful there. The year before that, I knew that I would be transferring somewhere, I just didn’t know where exactly. But I knew I’d be somewhere. Graduating from college is a lot scarier than graduating from high school. After high school, I feel as though we have so many more options. If you don’t have the grades to go to college, or, as in my case, have no idea as to where you want to be or what exactly you want to do, or if you don’t get into the school you wanted to go to, you can go to community college. I would like to be in grad school this time next year, but that means applying now. And if I don’t get in, that’s kind of it. Sure, I can go to work or something and then apply again, but then I’d just kind of be idling. At least with going to community college, I was working towards something. If I don’t get into grad school for next year, then I’d just be killing time until I can apply again. I’m trying to kill time right now because I have to add some classes and my pass time is at 3:15. Hopefully I can get into the classes that I need. Stupid budget cuts. I guess I shouldn’t be complaining. Thanks to the budget cuts, it’s going to be harder to get the classes that I need to graduate, since they either are offering less spaces, or not offering them at all. I guess that’ll give me time to put off applying for grad school.

I guess it all comes down to procrastination again. Three years of undergrad has gone by very quickly. Now it’s almost down to the wire, and I’m starting to freak out about the next step. I was fine all this past year. I put off freaking out over things until the last minute, which makes the freak-out even worse. Like my room. I came home at the beginning of the summer and only unpacked things when I needed them. Yesterday was the first time all summer that my room hasn’t been filled with boxes, because I had to pack everything up for today. I just was never motivated to clean it. Maybe because I felt that I was just going to have to pack it all up again at the end of summer, so why bother. Who knows.

I went to Target three times since Friday. As much as I love Target, I think that I’m kind of sick of the smell. You know, that popcorn smell from the cafe. I wouldn’t want to work there because of that smell. And the khaki pants. Speaking of work, I need to get a job. Here’s hoping I even am able to find one. It’s strange how much faster life seems to go when you’re reaching the end of a point, but don’t feel ready to. I’m definitely not ready for college to end. One of the things I regret about being a transfer student is having a shorter “college experience.” Sure, I had fun my first two years while at community college, and it’s not like my parents treated me like a little kid or anything, but going away and living in a community of people your age makes life so much different, and there’s a certain window for when that’s still fun. I feel as though I’ve been given a smaller window than everyone else. I feel like it’s one of those vent-type windows. I want a bay window. But then again, I know that I’m probably just being overly dramatic, and I say that I don’t want college to end now, but maybe once midterms hit this quarter, I’ll be glad that it’s my last year. And I can remember thinking that 18 was super old when I was 15, and once I turned 18, I felt like 21 was so old. And now that I’m 21, I feel like all the life will be sucked out of me by 28, and I’m sure that won’t be the case, the way it wasn’t with 18 and 21.

Being 21 is a funny stage. It’s like being 18. At 18, you feel that you’ve reached an important age. You can vote, buy cigarettes, and no longer qualify for juvy. At 21, you can buy alcohol. But after 21, you’re kind of out of significant birthdays. I guess 25 could count, since you can rent a car without an underage fee. And then 30 is probably sadly significant. And then 50. And then birthdays aren’t really important anymore until you start getting even older. Like an 80th birthday is probably kind of a big deal. And 90 definitely is. The oldest woman died a few weeks ago. She was 115. Oh my.